Where IS that exit sign?: 5/1/10

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Why...

Today Corey was in full 'I'm going to ask mommy a million questions that I really don't need to know the answers to because I already know the answers before I ask the questions' mode. I was giving him quick rote answers as soon as the questions came at me... not so smart of me, apparently.

Just as I was ready to silence him for good, Corey asked, "Mommy, why do you always sit down on the toilet...?" and I quickly answered, "Because if I didn't sit I would pee down my leg."

"Eeewww, NO, Mommy!" replied Corey with disgust. "Why do you always sit down on the toilet (seat) when you brush my teeth?" Oh. Oops.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Buttful

Shannon came home today and very proudly presented me with a Mother's Day coupon book that came from his Weekly Reader. On one page he was asked to describe me and this is what he came up with...

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Overheard at our house...

"They DON'T make money? Well nevermind." - Shannon declining a position as an altar boy
"Mom, Corey just grabbed my butt. Something tells me he's not going to grow up correctly." - Riley, totally seriously.
"It's time to light up our day!" - Shannon kicking on the Christmas tree lights
"Oh, cool! So he's a cyborg!" - the boys after reading about a Veteren with a robotic prosthetic leg in a Weekly Reader
"Gee mom, you're... squishy!" - Shannon noticing my weight gain.
"I have an infinite capacity for knowledge," - Corey in a robotic, monotone voice
"Mom! My shirt has a glitch in it!" - Corey, upset by the 'hole' on the sleeve of his button-up shirt
"Okay, okay, I'll play tag with you, sir, O Master of Everything!" - Riley sarcastically conceding to Shannon (the master)
"Don't kiss me, Mommy, I don't want to give you my germs. You can't get sick." - Corey
"Is Phillips 66 cents or 66 dollars?" - Riley
"You hurt my feelings, BUB!" - Corey angrily screaming at the top of his lungs
"Is there a blender in my tummy that mixes my food with bile?" - Corey
"Mom, when you grow up you should be a cake artist. You're not grown up yet because you can't control your temper." - Riley
"Mom, does my breath stink?" (Me: Yes) "It stinks 'cuz Shannon just farted in my mouth." - Riley
"We're playing Turkey Massacre! I'm the turkey and Shannon's a chicken with a deep fryer!" - Corey
"I am NOT having the best day ever. PS I am seious. I am not joking." - Corey's chalk writing in the driveway
"Mom, I LOVE you. I just don't LIKE hearing your singing." - Corey
"I am NOT handsome right now, Mom, I don't have my GLASSES on!" - Corey not accepting my compliment
"Mom! We just went through a four-way stop, and now we're going through a one-way go!" - Go on, guess. Yep, Corey.
"What is film?" - Shannon after I explained what the disposable camera was
"Mom, they're trying to hypnotize us into math zombies to take over the world." - Riley talking about his school's repetitive math process
"Cat butts! Get your free cat butts!" - Corey
"No, it's NOT minus one, it's negative one!" - Corey referring to his favorite new obsession- negative numbers
"Are you pulling something over my leg?" - Ken channeling his inner Yogi Berra
"Now my back hurts... 'cuz you tortured me by making me eat baked beans!" - Shannon tearfully
"I hope you don't lose your job, Daddy. I LIKE cereal!" - Shannon worrying about impending job cuts where his father works
"You are the worst parent ever! That's just not the nicest thing." Corey upset that the other computer isn't hooked up yet
"But only ONE of my holes is working!" - Yeah, I had to think about it, too; one of Corey's nostrils is stuffed up
"Mom, HOW do you make a snowball?" - Corey the other day; it really WAS the first time he's played in the snow
"President of Obama's house." - Riley explaining to Corey who George Bush is
"Mom, I just battled Ted Nugget!" - Shannon mispronouncing Ted Nugent of guitar fame
"It's NOT Cor', it's Corey! Stop calling me that!" - Corey unhappy with mom's abbreviation of his name
"You never deserve to be a good boy! I'll show you what a good boy does!" - Shannon talking to somebody - maybe a video game character?
You HAVE to get married, cuz that's where you get all the money from. At the wedding." - Shannon
"Corey, you have to get married or you wont have any kids to play with." - Shannon
"I wanna get married like a mom so I can say bad words." - Corey
"Mom, after I eat all, do I get a treat?" - Corey, referring to the BROWNIE I just gave him
"Listen here you little twerp!" - Shannon, frustrated with Riley
"Mom! Be quiet! You're too loud!" - The boys numerous times during the Husker's game
"I just wanna go back to BED!" - Shannon after being woken up to ring in the new year
"That's TOO LOUD!" - Corey not enjoying our New Year's celebration of banging pots and pans
"I've been bad all year, Santa's not bringing me nothing! - Shannon
"Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you and Dad! I wanna spank Riley and Shannon's butts." - Corey after a very trying day
"Corey, that was so fun I peed my pants a little bit!" - Shannon after a tickle fight
"Is butthole a compound word?" - Shannon
"You have NO IDEA how long a month is!" - Riley crying because I gave Anna a Bakugan toy for her birthday and told Riley he'd have to wait until Christmas to see if he gets one
"Here's how the Sun works... when it's day here, it's night in China and all the other worlds that talk like that!" - Shannon giving us all a Science lesson
"Not ME! Yuck! I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mom!" - Corey after I asked which boy wanted to learn how to scrub out a toilet
"This says head to toe, not head to b-u-t-t! - Corey upset that I wasn't washing him according to Johnson and Johnson's directions
"My heart hurts cuz I been reading too much" - Shannon after laying in bed for ten minutes with a book
"I think I have a butt crack in my butt but it won't go away!" - Corey, utterly dumbfounded
"You're a BAD PARENT! I just hurt myself and you just sit there eating CHIPS!" - Riley (hysterically crying and screaming) to his father
"Did you see my mom's hair? It died." - Corey telling the dentist about my new (dead?) hair color
"Obama kissed the behind of a llama..." - Riley giving up his political persuasion
"You look like you have your Mother's hair. That's crazy!" - Shannon, the only one to notice my black hair
"Mom, if Corey had to choose between the computer or you and dad, he'd choose the computer!" - Riley stating the obvious
"And if anybody calls anybody else a butt-face, I'm taking my belt off, you understand?" - Ken
"But Daddy, when is the rest of your hair going to come back?" - Corey not understanding that the big bald spot toward the back of Ken's head is permanent
"Remember that time Uncle Casey was OUT OF CONTROL?" - Corey referencing one of Uncle Casey's diabetic reactions while babbling away at his Endocronologist
"Mom, I am very disappointed in you! How rude!" - Corey after being grounded.
"Good, Corey, then you don't have to worry about getting computer eyes..." - Shannon after being informed that Corey doesn't play on the computer all the time (I had told Corey that being too close to the screen was going to mess up his vision)
"Does that work for me, too?" - Riley after overhearing me tell Corey that I'll take him out of CCD if he doesn't behave in class
"Mom, is this cheese dangerous?" - Corey after reading sharp cheddar on the package
"Sean, occur means to happen. Okay, Sean? Occur!" - Corey trying to get his pal interested in vocabulary expansion
"Yea, we're gonna get chicken nuggets.. I just farted!" - Corey while in line at McDonald's
"Gross, this milk is BLUE!" - Riley before vowing to never drink skim milk again (It was $2 cheaper than whole milk!)
"Mom, I made my pee like a butterfly!" - Corey (???)
"They're just tricking you, isn't that funny?" - Shannon trying to convince Corey that the T-storm forecast on the Weather Channel was inaccurate
"Mom, Shannon hit me in the head - he's gonna make my eyes cross!" - Corey
"Are you going to cook it?" - Shannon after I said we were having chicken for dinner (I was thinking we'd eat it raw)
"I drank my spit." - Riley when asked what he drank with his lunch (since Mom forgot to pack a juice)
"The super-power necklace of justice!" - Corey pretend playing
"They don't have Shift 3 in the Computer Lab..." - Corey disappointed that his fav' game is blocked on the school computers
"School started out bad at first, when Priscilla threw up on the bus this morning. She was in the seat right across from me! - Riley when asked about his first day of school
"Yeah, it smelled like some really BAD food." - Shannon referring to Priscilla's incident
"Daddy, I'm the ball boy! - Corey after watching Shannon be the 'bat-boy' at Ken's game
"I know it's hard when you lose a good friend..." - Riley with great empathy, comforting Shannon after making a bad Pokemon trade
"Mom! Corey was throwing a church book at me. A CHURCH BOOK! I guess he doesn't like God or Jesus." - Shannon tattling
"I just shook hands with a girl!" - Corey really loudly during Mass
"He's gonna donate, Mom! Dad! Stop Corey, he's gonna donate everything!" - Shannon expressing concern while Corey was playing the WII, mistaking the word donate for the word delete
"When are we going to Gran Rabbits?" - Shannon asking about a trip to Grand Rapids
"No, it's Gran Rabids! - Corey correcting his brother
"No! This is not a Rest Area." - Corey after I told him he was under arrest while pretending to be a police officer
"Mouses eat triangle cheese. Not square cheese." - Corey talking about Tom and Jerry
"Thanks, Mom! We're best buds." - Corey after I backed him in an argument with Riley
"Ooh, hot dog BUNS!" - Corey's reaction to my splurge- real hot dog buns
"Tornado Warning! Everybody hold hands!" - Anna to the boys during pretend play
"Tomorrow's the 4th of July! The 4th of July! ... What happens on the 4th of July?" - Shannon with much ado about... something?
"Clean up! Clean up! For the sake of playing with Anna, clean up!" - Riley issuing demands so that they could go play next door
"I wouldn't go in there if I were you!" - Shannon exiting the bathroom
"Fine then, if you won't let me have a treat, I'm gonna play football for Michigan!" - Shannon trying to hurt my feelings while dissing the Huskers
"I've been searching for this... what is it?" - Corey, naturally
"My mom keeps having babies, she's outta control!" - Riley doing some kind of pretend play with hot wheels
"What the... Mommy, STOP HAVING BABIES!" - Riley still at play
"We're professionals!" - Riley after I asked just how the boys managed to catch so many lightning bugs
"When you're an adult, then you can have a lightning bug as a pet." - Riley explaining to Shannon just when he can keep lightning bugs forever
"Don't eat them Mom, you're gonna get fat!" - Corey trying to keep me out of his Jelly Bellys
"Colored fingers...UNITE!" -The boy's and Anna's mantra in their new game involving popped water balloons on their fingertips
"Corey got his spit in my harmonica and it tasted like puke!" - Riley disgustedly confiding in Shannon about Corey's dastardly deed
"Mom, there's a sucker stuck in my hair and it won't come out" - Riley
"Hotdogs!" - Shannon after being asked what kind of cereal he wants for breakfast
"They're not nipples, they're eyeballs! I have four eyeballs: one, two, three, four!" - Corey, after asking me what his nipples were
"Some robbers came on our porch last night and stole our pop. They were thirsty." - Corey talking about either a dream or an event that I completely missed
"The dollar has a tear, it's no good!" - Shannon disappointed with what the Tooth Fairy left behind
"Can I shoot your butt?" - Corey while playing 'Rockets' with Shannon
"Do a slam dunk, Mom..." frustration mounting... "You're just not very good at basketball, Mom!" - Riley with an accurate observation
"Well, when Brother's Day is here, I can do whatever I want" - Shannon after a discussion about Father's Day
"Mom, you don't win the Treasure Chest! You are NOT a good brother!" - Corey venting his frustrations with me
"Even though Corey's my worst enemy, I don't want him to get in trouble for everything. That would be being a bully." - Shannon explaining why he took the blame when Corey really did it, whatever it is
"Every baby comes out naked, 'cause they can't find the right clothes yet." - Shannon teaching Corey a little something about the facts of life
"I was a little drippy drop!" - Corey summarizing how he gets a little drip on his pants after using the potty
"I got two cards from my school friends and Grace's phone number." - Shannon after receiving birthday wishes and his first 'digits' from classmates
"Miss Flickinger is her Mom's only girl. She's not an adult, she's just a kid who can drive. That's what she said." - Shannon bragging about his adolescent (30+ year old) teacher
"Can you wash my glasses? I got tears all over them." - Corey after a rough spell
"You are correctly right!" - Corey giving me props
"Shannon's birthday cake had a W on it." - Riley telling me about the store bought cake that really did have a frosted W on it... ?
"Grammie always tickles my feet, Papa always holds Corey..." - Shannon expounding the virtures of going to Ohio
"... and they just plain spoil me rotten!" - Riley completing his brother's sentence
"Rabbits are not allowed, right Mommy? Trix are not for rabbits!" - Corey regurgitating commercials
"Who left a turd in the toilet?" - Ken
"What's a turd?" - Shannon not quite getting the lingo
"Pipe down, could you?" - Shannon's pal Karli giving Shannon some much needed advice
"Ooh, you're breath stinks!" - Shannon's pal Karli giving Shannon some hygeine pointers
"Mom, isn't that a long time I been peeing? That was a lot!" - Shannon after a long bus ride
"I like the ends, Mom, it's like having a real hotdog bun!" - Riley giving his preference on bread since his mom is too cheap to buy hotdog buns
"Get off of me, you stinkin' dumb-head!" - Corey while wrestling with Shannon
"Mommy, it's like what we eat, right?" - Corey referring to the song Tootsie Roll
"Owww, my eye is crossing!" - Corey being melodramatic after taking off his eye patch
"Let's write Sister Donata and tell her Happy Mother's Day!" - Riley with warm greetings for a Nun
"So, she's still a full grown lady!" - Riley after I explained that Sister Donata didn't have any children
"You put a booger in my mouth. That was too gross!" - Corey after I attempted to blow his nose
"Corey, bologna is made out of butt cheeks." - Riley channeling his 'inner-Uncle Casey'
"Corey, step on the ants, scare them away!" - Shannon having Corey do his dirty work since Corey had shoes on his feet
"AARRRGGGHHHRRRR!!!!!" - Corey trying to scare all of the ants away
"Remember our toy's head?" - Shannon after discovering pieces of a superhero toy that was blown up with fireworks last year
"My boxers are choking me!" - Shannon before removing them
"It's not like he ate a chicken bone or pizza..." - Riley explaining the Last Supper to his brother
"I don't wanna be with no BLOODY person!" - Shannon after being told to walk home his girlfriend after she stubbed her toe
"Our Father who heart in heaven, hallow be my name, tie Kingdom come, I will be done..." - Shannon learning the Lord's Prayer
"My hands are too big!" - Shannon explaining his difficulty in removing his button-up shirt
"Mosquitoes only suck the blood of females, Mommy. That's you. They like girl's blood." - Corey, confusing female mosquitoes with female victims
"I know! It means Automatic Eccentrable Defibulator!" - Corey helping me out when I didn't know what the 'AED' sign meant
"Eccentrable means things can be different." - Corey helping me some more
"Mommy, what do you call a Greek cross?" - Corey (WTH?)
"Mommy, can I go in? I don't like the sunburn in my eyes." - Corey unable to enjoy our partly-sunny day
"The police take your money and if they want to they make roads with some of it. That's nice." - Shannon's idea of what police do with speeding ticket money
"They're nice unless they're evil." - Shannon when asked if the police were the good guys or the bad guys
"You can tell which ones are evil by their badges." - Shannon teaching me how to differentiate
"Faster, Mommy, you can't let anybody catch us! Left! Left!" - Shannon trying to encourage an encounter with the police
"And we're gonna stay in a ho-tel, a ho-tel, a hotel!" - Shannon completely misguided as to what this weekend trip to Nebraska is going to entail
"Mom, don't say that bad E-D-I-T word!" - Corey, admonishing me for referring to Ken as an idiot
"Okay, Grammie can leave now," - Corey waking up to Mommy (home from Jamaica)
"I will like the book that you probably got me, but I'll really like the toy!" - Riley anticipating his souvenier gift(s)
"My brain kinda forgot about you but now it remembers," - Shannon when asked if he missed me
"Riley got a B-, Corey got an A and I got an A+!" - Shannon telling me (over the phone) how good the boys were for their grandparents when we were in Jamaica
"What are these? No they're not, they're onion rings!" - Corey asking what the Olympic Rings in an advertisement were
"No, honey, you can't go up there, that's dangerous," - Corey pretend playing with imaginary people
"Mom, are you a lady?" yes "Are you a woman?" yes "Are you a women lady that can use the Ladies Bathroom?" - Corey asking questions again
"A respirator is something you put on your nose so you can't see bad smells. I read that in my book." - Corey
"Spanish for Nutty Bar is 'nutba,' that's how I do it." - Corey, who has already decided that Spanish is his second language
"Mommy, it's daytime now, you should get up." - Corey, my new 'there's-no-school-today' alarm clock
"That's like how we can get a free pet but we have to make a cage. It will like that." - Shannon explaining the need for the bird trap
"Shannon, will you plllleeeaase do a headstand and fall on my head?" - Riley begging for assistance in knocking-out his loose tooth (it worked the last time)
"No! You been rude so I wont!" - Shannon responding to Riley's request
"You look just like Papa. Except Papa has some white on his head." - Corey seeing a connection
"Daddy, did your hair go all gone again today?" - Corey noticing his bald dad on day 2
"I like it but I want you to grow it back." - Shannon's opinion on bald daddy
"Is that what we do with dark brown hair, Mommy? Cut it all off?" - Corey (who has dark brown hair,) asking me about the hair-sheering he witnessed
"I hate it, you look rediculous!" - Rileys opinion on his bald daddy
"You can use your back-eyes to look for the bus!" - Shannon buying into the idea that I really DO have eyes in the back of my head
"Oh. APRIL FOOL!!! I TRICKED YOU!" - Corey after I explained April Fools to him, even though he didn't fool anybody
"Mom, talk quiet so that ants don't hear it. They don't know that there is stuff to kill them." - Shannon whispering to let me know that he washed the grapes and they were ant-free (YIKES)
"The grass is here!" - Corey noticing the arrival of Spring
"It's not inside-right, it's right-side-out!" - Riley correcting his daddy
"I just farted and it blew hot!" - Shannon in touch with his bodily functions
"Well you're not as tall as Big Bird at least!" - Riley trying to understand why I said I wished I was shorter as a child
"Angel of God, my Guardian dear, too much love commits me here..." - Corey's bedtime prayer
"UUUNNN!!! Wrong! You get an X," - Corey making sure Shannon knew he gave the wrong answer
"Like Dad?" - Riley after mom admonished him for ignoring his brother with, "That's just not nice, Riley! That's like telling someone that they're not important to you when you won't give them your time and attention."
"Riley, you gotta come see the funny thing I did to Corey! -Shannon impressed with himself for covering Corey's head with an upside-down time-out chair and a blanket as Corey napped
"Grandma, since you're here, will we get even more toys for Easter?" - Riley hoping for more even though the answer was no
"Grandma, if you're here, does that mean that we're gonna have the Easter Bunny that leaves footprints?" - Shannon noticing the subtle differences in how important holiday characters perform depending on who we're with
"I'm gonna tell mommy how rude you been and she won't want to marry you again!" -Shannon very upset with his daddy
"I got real gold from the Leprechaun at school, Riley!!! We can buy a new DS so we don't have to fight over it. We're rich!!!" -now how do I explain this?
"We can wear any hue of green today and it counts, right Mom?" -Riley making sure he's PC on St. Patty's Day even though he's staying home
"A is for AWFUL!" -Corey when discussing what AFO stood for (these are the orthotic braces he wears on his legs)
"Does Grammy rhyme with whammy?" -Corey playing 200 questions
"How do you spell that, P-O-O-P-A? -Corey asking Papa how to spell his name
"Why did you go on red?" -Corey asking why I drove through a red light
"Don't say a bad word!" -Corey after hearing my response to his last question
"Mom, you're my third favorite... well maybe 14th or more. There's Jesus, Mary, the Apostles... and MOST of the Saints. St. Monica definitely. Then you." -Riley putting me in my place
"You're not overheating!" -Riley declaring Shannon fever-free and well enough to go to school
"This is the first time Riley and I have been good." -Shannon, and he's almost right
"Mom, am I still 5?" -Corey who just can't seem to grasp that aging is a permanent condition
"Riley, would you carry this down to the basement for me?" -Ken referring to a 61 pound bucket of mud
"Corey, you like babies just because they fart. He really does!" -Shannon making an accurate observation
"Save the huggin' for later!" -Riley wanting dads attention
"Why do they put D's in milk?" -Corey after reading the gallon of Vitamin D Milk
"This book says we live in a world full of signs. Can we go there?" -Corey about his favorite book about signs (of course)
"Mom, Shannon said the b-u-t word!" -Corey tattling
"Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-peanuts! They're like nuts that pee, right?" -Corey working through the 'potty mouth' stage
"Mom, don't you ever wish you had a different brother that behaved instead of Riley?" -Shannon after Riley got in trouble for misbehaving
"Shannon's saying mean things about me!" -Riley in response to Shannon's comment
"The secret recipe is mine: Stop, Drop and Roll!" -Corey during pretend play
"Why did you make me almost puke? Curse you!" -Shannon after somebody farted
"Stop it Shannon! Don't erupt me!" -Corey trying to tell Shannon not to interrupt
"Corey, you smell like a dirty sock!" -Shannon
"Caution and warning are the same. What if we put them together. We get 'Corning,' right?" -Corey, of course
"I have allergicness to cold weather, Mom. It makes me need to go potty!" -Shannon on the winter weather
"...But not that kind of allergicness that makes you throw up and stuff!" -Riley adding to Shannon's above observation
"I love Mario Galaxy. And Mario Bras!" -Corey mispronouncing Mario Bros. video game
"HOW do I go poopy on the potty? With my butt?" -Corey who is still scared of sitting on the toilet
"Riley, next time you go to the priest, you have to tell her you dunked me!" -Shannon after a day at the waterpark
"Dad, I believe you'll win the mega-millions. I believe in you!" -Riley living in Ken's dreamworld
"I'm too old for hugs and kisses. Maybe I'll give you one tomorrow... if you want one." -Shannon after I asked for a kiss
"I'm scared of talking to the priest all by myself, can you come with me, Mom?" -Riley on his upcoming first confession
"But I WANT to go to church school!" -Corey after being told I would take him out of CCD if he couldn't behave in class, which I did
"You are the worst parent ever! That's just not the nicest thing." Corey upset that the other computer isn't hooked up yet
"But only ONE of my holes is working!" - Yeah, I had to think about it, too; one of his nostrils is stuffed up
"Mom, HOW do you make a snowball?" - Corey the other day; it really WAS the first time he's played in the snow

Random Acts of Herubinism

Snuggling with mom is a daily requirement - more important than food, homework, or the book mom is trying to read
Somebody has a bruise right now, which most likely developed after a 'play' wrestling match
My boys wear their one-piece footsie winter pajamas well into the summer
At least once in each conversation between the boys the word butt will surface
Mid-day you will find two pairs of boys underwear in odd locations throughout the house, my boys would rather not wear them
Each of my children as toddlers has caused me to have a black eye
One of my children has been curious enough to ask me why I have the number 11 on my forehead (squinting wrinkles)
At any given time in our home, one of the boys will have left a pile of cut-up and drawn-on computer paper covered in glue stuck to my kitchen table
All boys can still occasionally be found peeing in a bush in the front yard with no regard to on-lookers
Riley once drank milk out of a sippy that was at least a few weeks old
Corey has played naked in a flowerpot in the driveway
Shannon has knocked out one of Riley's teeth while doing a clumsy headstand
Riley once glued his lips to his teeth with Crazy Glue

Where IS that exit sign?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Why...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Buttful

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